Kristyn Morgan

Anxiety. Depression. Stress. Is it just me or does this seem to be a much bigger problem in recent years? More and more it seems like people of all ages, but particularly children and young adults are suffering with these issues. Why is that?

Dave and I discuss this often. In fact, he is currently writing a book about it (and I can’t WAIT for it to come out). Obviously, there’s not one easy answer. I think it’s over diagnosed. I think we are often too quick to label ourselves or children with something because it in some ways absolves us of responsibility (a notion that I recognize as probably unpopular). It could be the food we eat, our lack of exercise, or watching too much Dateline.  (Though I hope not. I really like Dateline…) There are a bunch of possibilities for why we are seeing the rise in these issues but one is bothering me more than any:

I think we have unrealistic expectations for what life is supposed to look like.

Life is hard.  It’s not meant to be easy.  Yet somehow we seem to think that if it is difficult something must be wrong with us. Social media exacerbates this thinking. We see the cute instagram pictures, the celebratory FB posts and we think that everyone else has figured something out that we haven’t and therefore something is wrong with us.

I used to think that if I did everything “right” that my life would fall perfectly into place. My kids would make all the “right” choices. My husband’s career would go the way he wanted it to. There would be no health or emotional issues, people wouldn’t annoy me and squirrels wouldn’t roost in my attic.

But guess what?  I WAS WRONG!

Life is hard! But you know what I have also figured out?  There is joy in hard! I used to think it was impossible–to be happy or find joy when something was going “wrong”.  I’m no psychologist but I think that we would have a lot less anxiety, stress and depression if we all recognized this and realized we aren’t doing something wrong when things get tough.

Everyone has kids who make dumb choices. For heavens sake, WE make dumb choices all the time! (Just ask my kids). There are bills to pay, leaky sinks to fix, weeds to be pulled, family relationships to mend, apologies to be made and mistakes every day to rectify.  And it’s supposed to be that way!  I really believe that if we all just realized all of this is NORMAL that we would be a lot less anxious, stressed out and depressed.  We’d realize that we can handle more than we think we can and that there are lessons to be learned in the difficult moments, even joy to be had. In fact, by experiencing the hard things and approaching them head on, we build resilience and see that we are capable of so much more than we thought possible and we truly find joy in the journey.

But then again, I’m no psychologist…just an occasionally stressed out, less than perfect mom.

Last night while laying in bed I found myself crying.  It’s not a super common occurrence for me–usually reserved for times of frustration with parenting teens or touching Disneyland musical performances.  However, last night I just felt so…grateful.

Most of you know that for months Dave and I have been working on getting BYU Vocal Point here to town to perform. (You know that because I can’t shut up about it on social media.) When we saw them perform last October I just had this overwhelming feeling that we needed to bring them here to Vancouver. I didn’t know why I felt so strongly about it.

Now I do.

We have had the privilege of having these young men (and their delightful stage manager, Sarah) in our home for the last few days. They have eaten meals, rehearsed numbers, and spent a surprising amount of time coordinating outfits for their music video shoot today.  (And I thought picking clothes for family pictures was tough!) We have taken them shopping and sightseeing and to church where they performed probably the best musical number that chapel has ever seen. Tomorrow they will host a workshop for local high school students and an evening fireside for local youth and they will finish it all off with their sold out show Wednesday night.

But none of those things are why I found myself surprisingly emotional last night.

What I have found priceless in this experience is watching these kids interact with my two youngest children.  They have taken the time to really talk with them.  They’ve treated them like their own little brother and sister. They took prom pictures with Parker and his date when their other plans fell through at the last minute. They have laughed with them, listened, offered advice and encouragement and filled in a bit of the hole left when four older siblings have grown and gone. The other morning I came downstairs to find  Jason and Jantzen singing while Parker played the piano and I was…speechless. Our kids have watched their music videos and followed them on social media. And they were here, in our home, at our piano. These are memories our family will treasure forever.

People have asked me if these boys have attitudes or are full of themselves and the answer is no.  They are humble. Kind. Thoughtful and unfailingly polite. Oh, and they sing really, really well. And we are fortunate that we’ve shared these few days with them.

And now I’m crying again…

*I hope you have tickets to the show and maybe get a chance to chat with them for a minute. You will see what I mean. And if you don’t have tickets?  You can see some of their videos here:

(We have loved housing Jason and Jantzen and these are some fun videos that feature them.  Jason is the one singing “Rewrite the Stars” and swinging around a la Zac Efron)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NxIILbNMTHY

(And here is Jantzen whose singing will break your heart a little…)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgBazthb_kY

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I think a lot of life’s trials are like
that.  When we are in the middle of them
we are embarrassed or disappointed, or angry. 
But as we work through them and time marches on, our perspective changes and we can look back and
appreciate the lessons we learned.  As for us, we learned that 3 days at Disney in August with a nursing baby might be too much…

So much for the Morgan’s Wolverine genes.  The flu has struck.  Aches, pains, lack of appetite, stuffiness, inability to sleep and the hacking cough have arrived in full force.  At first, when Parker came down with it we went for containment.

We were unsuccessful.

And so as I sit here in my pajamas that I’ve worn for the last four days straight I thought I would share with you what I’ve learned so far about the flu.  Here you go:

1.  There is such a thing as too much Candy Crush

Who knew?  I am at the point now where I get physically nauseous when the Candy Crush screen comes up.  And yet I still play–because it’s the only game I have on my phone and it takes all the energy I have to curse those chocolate bombs.

2.  The cough that comes with the flu is the equivalent of an extreme weight lifting session–every 20 minutes.

I am not joking!  I feel like I have bench pressed 150 pounds for twenty minutes straight.  (Note:  150 pounds would be A LOT for me).  I didn’t even know I had muscles where I am currently sore.  This is most definitely not fair as the only calories I am burning is from playing Candy Crush…

3.  The Jimmy Legs…

Did you know that you can get “Restless Leg Syndrome”  (aka:  “The Jimmy Legs,” as defined by Kramer) from taking certain cold medicines?  I testify that you, indeed, can.  The first night I thought I was going crazy when I would just settle in to sleep after taking my Advil PM and then have this over powering urge to get up and walk which would last for hours!  I thought that in my flu induced mental state I was imagining this but according to “the internet” this is a real thing.  At least I know I’m not going crazy…yet.  Also, no more Advil PM for me, dang it.

4.  I Have The Best Friends/Family

Alright, I already knew that, but I tend to take them for granted.  Lots of people have texted/called/dropped off Oreos and it does make me feel loved, and missed.  And also a little guilty because I could be a better friend…Maybe that’s why I’m sick–to learn a lesson or two.

I have high hopes that we are on the downward side of this wretched flu sickness.  I sure hope so because between the Jimmy Legs and Candy Crush I may just lose it..

I’ve always loved the concept of a new year and a new start.  It’s cliche, I know, to set a bunch of new year’s resolutions but I don’t care–I love it!  As some of you know, I’ve been wrestling with some of the changes in my life and what direction I want/should head and frankly, I’m a bit flummoxed.  My whole adult life has been spent caring for a house full of kids and those kids are flying the coop at lightning speed.

The bottom line is this:  I don’t know what in the heck the future holds or what I’m supposed to be doing.  It’s pretty annoying,slightly frightening and results in a lot of late night worrying, but I figure that until I receive a lighting bolt from heaven (or even a gentle nudge) that I can work on some goals that will make me a better person.  That’s the theory anyway…

So for 2018 I’m conquering one goal a month and I hope to blog more frequently about it.  Feel free to follow along as I document my successes, failures and life lessons I learn along the way.

JANUARY GOAL:  BECOME A MORNING PERSON

I am a night owl.  At least I used to be a night owl.  I found that I was most productive in the hours after my house was quiet and it was nothing to be up until 2 or 3 am plodding away on some project.  But as I get older I find that 8:00 pm rolls around and I’m ready to be done for the day.  Which wouldn’t be so terrible if I could get myself going at an earlier hour.  My husband is a morning person and I’ve always been so jealous of the fact that he wakes up without an alarm and can get more done in his first 3 hours of the day than I seem to accomplish in 8 of mine.

This goal isn’t going to be easy because let’s be frank, I wake up thinking about how I can get back in bed.  Is 9:00 am too early for a nap?  But I really think that if I can make progress in this one area it’s going to help me in the other 11 goals I have planned for the year.  I think…

Step 1:  Purchase a “Happy Light”.  I’d heard good things about these little lights and even if it’s a bunch of mumbo jumbo, as long as I believe it there has got to be some placebo effect right?  I have to say, that so far, so good.  It could all be in my head but I think it’s helping–when I remember to turn it on.

Step 2:  Eat breakfast within 30 minutes of waking.  I’m reading a book that talks about the importance of this for maintaining a healthy weight but I figure if I can get myself downstairs and noshing on my toast and protein shake from the start, it will be much harder to get back into bed.  That’s the idea anyway…

Step 3:  Hit the gym.  I know for myself that if I don’t get my exercise in first thing in the morning it is highly unlikely to happen.  And once I put on the track to “The Greatest Showman” and start beating the heck out of my punching bag, it gets the juices flowing.

So there it is–my January goal.  So far I’d say I’m about 50% successful.  I’ve got work to do so I’m gonna turn on that Happy Light and suck down my shake.  Wish me luck!

I had good intentions today.  I had big plans to wake up early, get my exercise in, serve someone else, be productive.

Except none of that happened.

It started out by waking up with an upset stomach due either to a stomach bug going around or the fact that yesterday my diet consisted of straight carbs. I’m inclined to believe the latter but I’m not taking any chances.

After way too long perusing FB and playing Candy Crush I decided that the thing that would help was…a nap.

So two hours later I dragged myself out of bed, wandered downstairs and ate a sugar cookie while watching Dateline.

Yep.  I’m not proud, just keeping it real.

I have been reflecting lately on how I can find joy in the midst of trials or stress.  I know it’s possible, I just don’t always know how to achieve it, but I’m pretty sure more Pringles and Candy Crush aren’t the answer.

So, I’m writing this post, digging out my work out clothes, heading to the gym, making dinner for once, and planning some sort of family night. I take inspiration from the amazing women I see around me who when things get tough, forge ahead, reach out to friends and manage to laugh in spite of their trials.  I want to be that woman, that mother, that friend.

And it’s starting now.

In the spirit of “Keeping it Real” I thought I would share the following “Fun Facts About the Morgans”, because, well, why not?

FACT #1:  We LOVE Disney! 

It’s no secret that we all love all things Disney related at the Morgan house.  Dave leads the charge and is pretty much a walking encyclopedia of Disneyland knowledge.  Seriously–if you ever need a tour guide, Disney vacation planner or need to write a term paper on the inner workings of Disneyland, Dave is your guy.  If he’s otherwise occupied any one of the Morgan kids would be a close second.


FACT #2:  We’re Mormon.

Duh–who DOESN’T know that?  We aren’t perfect Mormons–heaven knows we have our flaws- but we love the church, we love the gospel and we love Jesus Christ.

FACT #3:  We quote TV shows–a lot.

I would say a good 75% of most of our brains are filled with movie or TV quotes.  Dave and the kids have the ridiculous ability to remember whole episodes of The Simpsons, Bob’s Burgers and Seinfeld and quote them at will.  We also will watch the same episodes or movies over and over and over…

FACT #4:  We have a house full of teens–and they aren’t all Morgans

Teen boys playing video games and teen girls singing “Dear Evan Hansen” at the top of their lungs are two of my favorite sounds.  We love that the kids’ friends feel welcome here and it’s worth the price of some pizzas and soda.

FACT #5:  There are ALWAYS Oreos in our pantry.

Oreos are the perfect cooke.  The end.

FACT #6:  Except for a couple of poor, unfortunate fish, we’ve never had a pet.  And never will.

I just…can’t.

FACT #7:  Our Sunday meals consist of potato chips, Chips A’hoy and and a pan of brownies and/or caramel corn.

I wish I was making that up.  I’m not.

FACT #8:  Homemade “meals” are a scarcity.

See FACT #7

FACT #9:  We are musical.

And by “we”, I mean everyone else but me.  I also mean that they all have natural talent that was encouraged by enough piano lessons to master the basics and an inherited natural ear for music and singing.  Some of them could have probably been prodigies if we would have been on top of it, but well…there was 6 of them.  How could I possibly be on top of that???

FACT #10:  We mess up–a lot.

I hope by now that it’s pretty clear that we have no interest in presenting ourselves as a perfect family.  Because we aren’t.  We make mistakes–some small, some not so small.  We could stand to be more industrious, more giving, more humble, more kind.  But we are trying and somedays that’s all you can ask.

We’re the Morgans.  Wanna be our friend???

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That’s heavy.

Up until that point I had led a rather charmed existence.  Sure, I had my share of troubles and trials and even disappointments, but the last few years had done a number on me.  We were struggling with parenting issues involving our teens and young adults, some uncertainty on the job front and it all just felt, well…overwhelming.  It seemed we were traveling through trial after trial and even the brief respite from trials felt uncomfortable–like we were waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I had worn out my knees in prayer, read a mountain of parenting books and blogs, talked to friends and still, as I drove down that road I felt a sense of hopelessness.

I’m not sure it was depression exactly–more like I couldn’t see how I could ever go back to my previous, mostly foot loose and fancy free life now that I had experienced the flip side.  I was now convinced that just around the corner surely another trial was coming, so how could I truly be joyful in the in-between?

And then I realized something:  If I was waiting for happiness to come because of a lack of hardships in my life, I was probably going to be waiting a long time.  Life is hard!  It is meant to be difficult because it’s through and because of those difficulties that we stretch and grow and become the people God intends for us to be.  If everything was lollipops and sunshine all the time, how would we appreciate the lessons we learn and the growth we make?  We wouldn’t–we would become stagnant, boring people who can’t relate to the rest of the trial laden population.

When I realized this, a switch began to flip.  I started to notice that I had much more empathy for those suffering.  When you allow yourself to acknowledge and own your hardships and share those with others, it’s amazing the relationships that emerge.  Nobody wants perfect friends! They want flawed, vulnerable friends because underneath that’s what we all are.  I started to recognize that I had more appreciation for the smaller things in life:  meaningful conversations with my children, a weekend away, a lunch with a friend.  And slowly the sense of hopelessness began to lift and joy filled in that space.

Now, instead of worrying about what’s around the corner I acknowledge that something IS around the corner–and it’s alright.  It will help me grow and stretch and love a little more.  It will make me stronger in the end and more dependent on others and the Lord.  It will make me a better me.  It’s true, that joy IS found in the journey.  May we embrace our journey.

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I have been at this mothering business for 24 years now and while I am in no way an expert, I have come to realize a few things.  If I could go back to when I was first starting on this parenting journey, here is what I would tell 20 year old me:

Chill out.

Profound, I know, but I’m being honest.  As I reflect on this last quarter century I have come to realize that about 80% of what I spent time agonizing over, was in fact, not that important.  Oh sure, at the time all that stuff like messy bedrooms, giant sock piles, eye rolling and teenage moodiness seemed pretty serious, but I could have saved myself a whole lot of grief if I could have concentrated on a few simple truths and pushed the other ones aside.  Hindsight is 20/20, but now as I’m preparing to be a grandma–it’s happening people!!– I would offer these nuggets of advice:

 Establish a good relationship with each child. 

My wise sister in law shared this quote with me:  “Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.”  I am the champion at fixating on the problem.  (Seriously–I will read mountains of books, scour the internet, poll friends and family and generally make myself nutty trying to figure the dang kid out!)   However, over the last several years I’ve realized that if I can concentrate FIRST on loving the child, a solution will come much more readily–and with a lot less hair pulling.   Love first, fix later.

 Children don’t (and shouldn’t) fit a mold.

Again, I was under a misguided notion that if I could just figure out the first kid, the next five would be easier.  Ummmm… That theory works if they are all clones, but since the good Lord saw fit to send me 6 unique individuals with various likes, dislikes, quirks, challenges, attitudes and food preferences,  I had to throw this idea out the window.  You think you know how to handle one situation?  Just wait, the next kid will turn your parenting abilities upside down.  Sure, you do gain some knowledge as you go but I wish I would have figured out sooner that I need to give each child the chance to spread their wings, be different and follow their own path.  (Besides which the idea of 6 Morgan robot children seems a tad bit frightening…so.many.Simpsons.quotes.)

Trust your instincts

I discussed this in my last post and I stand by it.  I tend to overthink things.  A lot.  I second guess, tweak, backtrack, worry, and stress.  And then I start the process all over until I am the queen of Crazy Town.  In the last few months I have worked on taking a deep breath, quieting my mind and just…listening.  No more second guessing, no more doubting.  Because the Lord gave me these kids for a reason.  He knows I can handle it, even when it seems like I can’t.

As a mother you will make mistakes.  You will feel like you are losing your mind somedays.  You will feel overwhelmed, over burdened and over worked and entirely out of your element.   But you will also find great personal growth, laughter, and sweet, sweet moments of pure joy.

In the meantime, chill out.