Kristyn Morgan

Anxiety, fear, depression.  Is it just me or are we hearing these terms a whole lot more, recently?  The subject is a fascinating one to me–why is it that these ailments seem more prevalent?  Why do more of my family and friends seem afflicted with them?  And why, does it seem that they are creeping into my own life?

I’ve been thinking about parenting a lot lately.  And by “a lot” I mean like 99% of the time.  The other 1% is filled with Seinfeld quotes and the soundtrack to Guys and Dolls.  (“Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down you’re rockin’ the boat.”  I think that song might be a sub conscious statement on my parenting strategy!)  What is it about having teenagers that makes you question everything you do/think/say?  Oh, that’s right–they are mini adults.  With opinions.  Opinions that don’t always match your own.  They don’t want to sit down–in fact, often they most definitely want to rock the boat.

We have terrific kids, however I think that I was misguided in how this parenting thing would play out.  For some naive reason I thought this would go a lot like their early years: You do what mom tells you, how she tells you and we are all happy.  The boat stays nice and steady.  Some days I miss the simpler times:

“Hold my hand when you cross the street.”

“Eat your vegetables and you get dessert”.

“Don’t rub butter on your brother or you’re in time out.”

See?  Simple.

I’m starting to figure something out though.  Sometimes my way, isn’t always the best way.  As parents we sometimes forget to take into account that part of the growing up process for our kids is actually to rock the boat.  This process means making more choices and often more mistakes.  It means trying new things and letting go of old interests.  And yes, sometimes it means questioning me, as their parent.

It’s a leap of faith for me as a mother, this idea of letting go.  Sometimes it’s positively maddening but it can also be so rewarding.  I mean, it’ll make you crazy during the process when you can’t figure out what in the heck they are thinking, but that’s exactly what this growing up thing is:  a process.  Our kids need to do it their way–not our way.

So I’m working on trusting that process.  Sometimes I forget to give my kids the credit they deserve and I’m working on that.  I don’t want cookie cutter kids.  I want kids who think for themselves, do things for the right reasons (not just because it is “expected’ of them) and who can learn from their failures and emerge resilient.  We teach them them what a boat is, where the destination is and then we need to let them figure out how to row there.  Often that’s with a whole lot of rocking.  Scary?  Yes.  Necessary?  Definitely.

But every once in a while I miss those brother butter smearing days…

I’m in a funk.  Not in a clinical depression type of a funk–more like a “yoga pants wearing, chocolate eating, Dateline viewing” type of funk.  The best way I can describe it is that I feel like there is something I am supposed to be doing.  I just can’t figure out what that something is, exactly.

It stands to reason that it’s some sort of mid life crisis.  After all, more than half of my kids are now adults and in four short years we will be empty nesters.  We have our first grandchild on the way,  I’ve got a few wrinkles and yesterday I threw my back out bending over.  Just bending over… Change is coming.  I’m just not sure what that change is for me and it’s making me a little (ok a lot) crazy.

I’ve read a pile of self improvement books, listened to a boat load of podcasts and done a lot of soul searching.  Someone told me I should try meditation to bring on enlightenment.  All it did was bring on a nap.  (I think I did it wrong.)  I’ve prayed, counseled with my husband and spent way too much time pondering in my head.  And here is what I’ve come up with:

Nothing.

Well, except for the idea that this is teaching me patience and God isn’t going to leave me hanging.  Most of my life I’ve sort of been going full steam ahead with being the busy mom of 6.  I’ve wiped a million rear ends, made thousands of lunches, chaperoned more than my share of field trips and helped at more PTA activities that I can count.  I’ve chaired events, raised money for band trips, chauffeured children to a mind boggling number of practices, and I’ve figured out that right now is my time to take a breath.  There is something waiting for me right around the corner and when it gets here it will be perfect for me, tailor made to help me stretch and grow and develop my talents.  I’ve just got to trust in the process and relax.

But in the meantime, I’ve got a Snickers bar to eat and Dateline to watch.

I like to think that I have become more flexible in the last few years.  Not in the yoga twisting gymnastics contorting way–in fact I’m pretty sure the opposite is true in that sense–but in my views on how to be a “successful” parent.  As I’ve been pondering this windy road of child rearing recently I’ve come up with 3 (Surprising) Parenting Lessons I’ve Learned:

1.  What Works With One Child Does Not Always Work With Another

This is one of parenting’s greatest ironies.  With other areas of life, the more you practice something over and over (music, sports, writing, etc) the easier it is to replicate the results.  But because God wants to keep you guessing (and learning) he throws you a curve ball.  Your first child might soak up your wisdom like an obedient sponge but wait until you get the strong willed child that throws the sponge in your face.  It took me a while but I learned that sometimes you have to hide the sponge.  Or have someone else deliver it.

2. Comparing Will Make You Crazy

How often do you think that so and so’s child is perfect and you wonder what you are doing wrong?  Well cut it out because here’s the truth–your friend’s child has their own “stuff” just like yours does.  It may be better hidden, or more private but I guarantee you, everyone has struggles.  Maybe it’s anxiety or depression or an overwhelming need to please.  Maybe it’s talking back or less than stellar grades or self esteem struggles.  Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there.  Because that’s life.  EVERYONE struggles!  The sooner you can worry about your little corner of the world and not your neighbor’s, the less crazy you will be.

3.  Success Cannot Be Dependent On the Outcome

This was the most surprising to me and something, that if I’m being honest, I still struggle with.  I think we often mistakenly believe that if our children make choices that we don’t like or approve of that we did something “wrong.”  Dave repeatedly reminds me that we cannot judge our success as a parent on the choices our kids make. (And believe me, this is much easier said than done!)  Our job is to teach them well and trust in the process.  Sometimes we mess up and that’s what apologies (and the atonement) are for.  Just because our children might not do exactly what we want them to, does not mean that we did a bad job of raising them.  Our job is to give them the tools they need to survive and thrive in this world and then sit back and be patient if they ignore those tools for the time being.  Who knows, they might actually be inventing a new and improved tool–but making you crazy in the meantime.

Parenting truly is a journey.  I wish earlier on I had let go of what I thought it was “supposed” to look like and instead embraced this often crazy road of raising children.  I’ve learned that the more I can trust in the process the more joy that comes from seeing my children growing and stretching and becoming the amazing individuals they are.  Now if I could just chill out, that would be a whole lot easier…

Anyone who follows me on instagram or FB knows that I can’t shut up about Walmart and it’s grocery pick up service.  (Seriously, if you have not used this, do it now!  It is glorious!)  Walmart has redeemed itself because I have not been quiet about the fact that prior to this it’s my least favorite place to shop–the aisles are always crowded, it’s like a 5 mile hike between the milk and shampoo and sometimes the clientele there is…unique.

Which brings me to my strangest and most hilarious Walmart story.

Several years ago I had ordered a large amount of fried chicken for a cub scout event (because we all know how much I dislike cooking.  And cooking for large groups of people?  The worst!)  My plan was to pick the chicken up right before the event and so I loaded all the kids in the car and headed out to the dreaded big box store.  Now, I was in a hurry and keep in mind that I was clearly in the “Walmart is the devil” camp so my goal was one thing:  get in, get the chicken, get out.  I left the kids in the car, zoomed over to the chicken counter, got the goods and hopped in line.  And as anyone who has shopped at Walmart at dinner time knows, the lines are ENORMOUS!  So…I may have been slightly impatient…

Here is where it gets good.  In front of me in line was a family with two full grocery carts- and I don’t know how to describe this family except to say that the story I made up for them in my head involved them living in the mountains for long stretches of time and then when supplies got low they headed down to Walmart to stock up.  They were a little grimy, loud and looked like they hadn’t ever been to a dentist. But they were very nice.  And friendly.  The friendly part is important…

So here I am, checking my watch and trying to be more patient while the people behind me started to grumble.  Right then the patriarch of the mountain family looks at me and asks, “You got somewhere to be?”

Me:  “Oh, it’s ok.  I have a dinner to get to but I”ll make it.”

Man (leaning in two inches from my face):  “Just so you know, you can’t have any of what’s in my cart.”

(At this point I look over at their carts–and I am not making this up–they were FILLED with electric blankets. Like the kind that look like wool blankets but with a plug?)

Me:  “No worries–but it looks like you have a lot of blankets there, that’s for sure.”

Man:  “You wanna know what we are gonna do with ’em?”

Me:  “Okay…?”

Man:  “We’re gonna take ’em home, nail them to our floor and have a heated floor!!”  (I promise, I am not making that up!  That was honest to goodness what he said!  But wait, it gets even better.”)

Me:  “Wow–well, uh, good luck with that.”

At this point I realize this guy is totally staring at me which has started to make me slightly uncomfortable and then he points right at my chest and asks:

“ARE THEY REAL?”

“Excuse me??” (I’m thinking surely, surely he is not asking about my…breasts?? Because that’s right where he is pointing.)

“YOUR’E TEETH!  ARE YOUR TEETH ALL YOURS?”

And THAT, is one reason I dislike shopping at Walmart.  Except their grocery pickup.  That thing is da bomb.

Today I watched my daughter leave for school.  She’s almost 14 and rolled out of bed 10 minutes before the bus came.  Quickly she threw on a dress, her black combat boots and a jean jacket, pulled her hair up in a ponytail, grabbed her backpack and hot chocolate and headed out the door.  And I couldn’t help but think of myself at that age.

I was the girl that put hot rollers in her hair every day, teased the bangs to perfection, dug into my giant arsenal of Covergirl cosmetics and checked herself in the mirror three times before leaving the house.  Sure, it was the 80’s… but still.  I couldn’t help thinking that I’m glad my daughter feels confident enough to not need an hour and half, 8 ounces of Aquanet and a Guess bag to feel complete when she leaves the house.  Sure, she has bad days and days when she thinks it’s fun to dress up and do her make up.  She likes to shop and paint her nails and watch youtube fashion blogs.  But she doesn’t need to do all that to feel like she belongs and I couldn’t help but think there is a lesson in that.

Because we are enough.

We don’t need to have a house that looks like it came out of the pages of a magazine.  We don’t need to prove that what we do every day (whether it’s work at home or out in the world) is valuable.  We don’t need to have a big instagram following or awards attached to our name or lose 20 pounds to feel that we are enough.  We don’t.

It’s not our wealth or our looks or for heaven’s sake our figures that make us who we are, and the older I get the more I understand that.  It’s changing the ways I approach things in life.  I am trying to worry less about pleasing everyone and instead I’m accepting that sometimes people just don’t like you quite so much.  I’ve learned that I can wear the same outfit 3 days in a row and it just doesn’t matter, even if it’s leggings and a sweatshirt.  This week I bought a bright highlighter yellow dress that is definitely not “my” color but makes me unbelievable happy when I wear it because I think it spreads a little sunshine on these dreary Pacific Northwest days.  And I’m making peace with my decision to ditch the scale and the dieting mentality.

I hope I can continue to foster that mentality in my daughter because she is enough.  I am enough.  We are all enough.

In what was a serious spur of the moment rebellion against social media perfection, I came up with something called “Keep It Real Friday.”  This literally came about one Friday as I was scrolling thru Instagram and looked around my house and realized that I was about as far from pinterest perfect as I could be.  And I thought, “what the heck?  Maybe someone else can relate.”  So I turned the camera on myself and showed the world (or my 200 instagram followers) the state of affairs.

Keep It Real Friday

In a weird way, it’s become liberating.  Every week I post another “Keep It Real Friday” video and while I would like to tell you I spend a lot of time dreaming these babies up, the truth is, I don’t.  And I don’t rehearse them, although sometimes it takes me a couple of takes to get them into the 1 minute time frame.  (Because let’s be real, I think more than one minute of me is probably too much.)  Sometimes I worry that they are self serving–which is the opposite of what I’m going for.  One day I just realized that while cute, fun pictures of my kids, or family, or house or latest vacation is all fine and good, it doesn’t really paint a true picture of what life is like.

Life is messy.  And complicated.  It’s hectic and boring and inspiring and maddening.  Some days are great but a lot of them are pretty run of the mill and sometimes they are miserable.  Our sinks are full of dirty dishes, beds are unmade and we use TVs as babysitters so we can get some peace and quiet.  Gourmet meals are a rarity, kids socks don’t match and teenage meltdowns occur.  We laugh, play, cry and every once in a while throw our own adult tantrums.  But hopefully, in all of that we find the time to appreciate the moments, count our blessings and find joy in the journey.

So “Keep It Real Fridays” has been my way of embracing my less than picture perfect, but perfect for me life.  I hope you will join me.  Hop on over to our instagram account at morganlifeadvice and help us keep it real.

Last weekend Dave and I decided to pony up the big bucks and go to the movie theater to see the critically acclaimed “LaLa Land.”  In case you haven’t heard this movie is racking up awards faster than you can count and our son Davis loved it and has been playing the theme song for the last month.  I figured a musical would be a fun, light hearted end to our week.

Uh…wrong.

Have you seen this movie?  We loved it–but we hated it!  I don’t want to give anything away but let’s just say that we left the theater in a serious state of introspection (and possibly minor depression.)

(I realize after reading what I just typed that it paints the movie in a bad light.  I have a hard and fast rule that I don’t see movies (or read books) with sad endings and I will say that seeing this movie didn’t break that rule–I guess…I think the fact that I STILL can’t decide if it’s a happy or sad ending says something for the number this film did on me.)  Let’s just say this movie will make you take a hard look at your life.

I can fully admit that I am currently in a state of “what am I doing with my life???”  I can see the end of my child rearing days and they aren’t terribly far off.  For the last 24 years I’ve been raising kids.  I loved it–most of it.  (Potty training, two year old tantrums and teaching teens to drive I can do without.) From the time I can remember all I wanted to be was a mom and while raising a big family certainly has it challenges, it was exactly what I knew I should be doing.  And I’ve loved the ride.

And in less than 5 years, that ride is over.  Now, I want to be clear, I’m looking forward to what’s ahead.  I just don’t know what’s ahead.  What does the next 25 years look like for Dave and me?  I’m hoping it involves cruises and visits to grandkids and the usual Disney trips.  I want to do more service, do more writing and who knows, maybe bring this podcast dream to fruition.  But it’s all a little murky and just a tiny bit scary.

In the meantime, I’m going to try to savor these last few years.  I want to be more thoughtful, more engaged, more present.  And someone needs to answer this question for me:  What is UP with the end of that movie???

Recently I came across this video on Facebook which I find both hilarious and a perfect analogy of every family picture session we have ever experienced.

https://www.facebook.com/BuzzFeedAnimals/videos/1444061692282488/

I can’t be the only one that absolutely dreads getting family pictures.  Let’s start with the obvious:  you have to come up with something to wear. You know, something matching but not too matching because you don’t want it to look like you are trying too hard or have resurrected the Olan Mills portrait days.  Then, to make matters worse, your kids have opinions about what to wear.  And those opinions usually don’t have anything to do with the outfits you’ve spent hours picking out.  No, they want to wear their lucky shirt and crocs and somehow aquatic shoes don’t quite fit in your vision of the perfect family portrait.

Then assuming you can get everyone dressed, in the car and to the place on time you have to endure the picture taking session.  I can’t decide what’s worse, getting a picture taken with a bunch of toddlers/pre teens who either a) are positively starving or b) have to go to the bathroom.  Or getting a picture taken with six teenager/young adults who are wittier and more passive aggressive than you. Again.  Either situation is a toss up in misery.

Now comes the part where you have to actually touch each other.  Like put your arms around each other or at the very least squeeze in tight which is positively the worst thing you could ask them to do apparently.  Scrubbing toilets with a toothbrush would be better than this.  Eating a bowl full of broccoli would be cake compared to everyone huddled together in an unnatural position looking at the camera all at once with a mildly pleasant look on their faces.

Torture.  I’m telling you.

So here’s what I’ve done over the years:  embraced it.

If everyone doesn’t match, so what.  Maybe those Batman high tops will end up being a super cool reminder of your son’s personality.  They don’t want to touch each other?  The goofy poses they come up with tell a better, more realistic story anyway.  The perfect family picture?  It doesn’t really exist.  At least not for this family.

And that’s ok.  Because we are keeping it real.

If you are local and looking for some fantastic family pictures with minimal amount of torture, we highly recommend Clouds in Bloom Photography 
Clouds in Bloom

People are bailing left and right off this ship.  The Facebook ship that is.  Just today I saw multiple friends who said they’re out, they can’t take it anymore.  I get it, I totally do and I wasn’t far behind.  But then I had a thought, what if instead of taking ourselves out of the game, we turned the game around???

What if instead of doomsday posts about how our country is going down we posted about serving those around us?

What if instead of political rants, we engaged in thoughtful discussion?

What if instead of casting blame, we offered help, instead of calling others bigots we offered enlightenment, instead of foul language we offered kind words?  The possibilities of how we can turn the tide are endless:

*Bring on the family pictures–we need more of those.  And I don’t just mean the picture perfect family moments.  Show me your not so perfect moments so I know you’re real just like me.

*Post a picture of nature–a sunset, the mountains, the woods, or any other amazing creation.  We are surrounded by beauty and it can counteract all the ugliness.

*Share inspiring quotes–because maybe they are cheesy, but it starts my day off a whole lot better than another political diatribe that just riles me up.

*Cat pictures.  I can’t believe I’m saying it, but cat pictures are better than what we currently have clogging up our feeds.

I’m not saying we have to be Pollyannas (though we could probably all stand to have a little more Pollyanna attitude gracing our lives.)  I think there is room for thoughtful discourse–I’m just not seeing a lot of it right now. I think some cat pictures might for once actually help…

And if you are looking for more of this sort of content, head on over to Instagram where you can follow us on morganlifeadvice.  We keep it real and hopefully bring a smile to your face.

Who is with me?