Kristyn Morgan

It was Snowmageddon here.  Or the Storm of the Century or Snowpocolypse.  I can’t remember what the news stations actually called it but it was dramatic and for once here in the Pacific Northwest, they weren’t too far off base.  See, in this part of the country snow is a bit of rarity and when you see the forecast calling for some snowflakes you think only one thing:  Snow Day!  As a child you would wait for that call to come in that the 1/2 inch of snow dust coating the roads meant the busses couldn’t possibly get out and you get the blessed day off.  Heaven!

Well, this year Heaven lasted more than a week.

That’s right folks and that week came right on the heels of Christmas break.

I felt sorry for my friends who are moms of little kids.  Because I get it, I do.  You’ve just survived having them home for two weeks and are looking forward to getting them back on schedule and a few precious hours to yourself where you don’t have to police sibling squabbles or constantly feed and pick up after them.  I’ve been there.  I mean you’re talking to a woman who used to pray for all day kindergarten only to have it become a reality the year AFTER her youngest started to school.  It was like the kindergarten gods were mocking me because we all know half day kindergarten is really just kindergarten hell–not enough time to actually get anything done and not worth the trouble of getting the kid up, fed, dressed and to the bus stop on time.  (I might be a little bitter about this still…)

But snow days with teenagers?  That’s a whole different story.  Let me tell you what THAT looks like:

*sleeping in (for Mom too)
*no lunches to make
*late night movies and puzzle making
*no nagging to complete homework
*no mom taxi service

And the best thing of all:

*no nighttime obligations.  School concerts, games, meetings are all cancelled when school cancels and that means a rare quiet night at home.

It’s funny how quickly life changes without you even noticing.  It honestly doesn’t seem like that long ago that I was listening to Nick Jr and praying the district would abolish teacher in-service days so I could get some peace and quiet.  So I loved Snowmageddon for what it was.  A chance to enjoy the blessings of being the mom of a house full of teenagers.  And the sleeping in.  Let’s not forget the sleeping in.

Sarcasm.  It can be clever (like Hugh Laurie in “House”).  It can be funny (Jerry Seinfeld anyone?). It can even be self deprecating (think Chris Farley and “Fat Guy in a Little Suit”.) But it comes at a cost.  And that cost may just be the important relationships in your life.

See, we mistake sarcasm as a funny approach to dealing with people.  It stems from the inability to really connect–to develop a bond of emotional intimacy.  It’s a barrier, a shield that we put up when we are uncomfortable or afraid.  Sometimes we don’t even realize we are doing it, particularly if it’s become a habit.  We say things like “nice job,” or  “smooth move,” when we see someone make a mistake instead of saying “are you ok” or “how can I help you?”   We jokingly say “don’t mess up” to our kids before they perform because it’s harder to say, “we’ve got your back and believe in you.”  We “sarcastically” call our wife the “old ball and chain” or our husband “my other child” because we don’t have the confidence to say that they are our better half and we’d be lost without them.

And when we do all those things all we are doing is putting a big wedge in our relationships.  Because it’s scary to be open and honest in our feelings and it’s much more comfortable to blanket our statements with sarcasm.  And yet, think about it.  Sarcasm is killing your relationships by sending some pretty devastating messages:

You don’t fit in.

You don’t belong.

You aren’t important to me.

I don’t trust you.

I don’t appreciate you.

I don’t believe in you.

I can be better.  You can be better.  We can all be better.  It doesn’t take much–a kind word, a helping hand, a welcoming smile.  That’s all.  And I’m not even being sarcastic:)

When our oldest was two years old we bought a new coffee table for our little student apartment.  For whatever reason, Jordan looked at that and thought “jungle gym” and immediately climbed on top of it and stood proudly in the center.  I looked at him, told him “no, we don’t stand on tables” and pulled him off.  And then he climbed up there again.  And I pulled him off again.  This pattern continued ALL DAY.  (Two year olds tend to have a mind of their own.)  After about the 20th time, I was tired of it and started thinking, “what’s the big deal?  Maybe I should just let him climb on there because this is exhausting and is it really worth the fight?”  And then clear as day this thought came to me:

“It’s a coffee table when he’s two, it’s dating and drugs and grades when he’s 15.”

Our kids need limits.  They need to be told “no” and they need us to follow through.  It’s a fine line.  My sister in law told us about a family she knows who felt that they spent too much time saying no so they decided to hold “A Day of Yes” which is exactly how it sounds.  All good in theory until after a day of various outings, screen time, treats and gifts it dissolved into a crying frenzy at the local ice cream shop and the family packed up and left before the treats even arrived.  Too much yes, it seems, makes for a big no at the end of the day.

So, how do we know when to say no?  That right there is the magic question.  It’s really easy to swing too far in either direction.  Either you become the all powerful dictator (which your kids will eventually resent and probably rebel against) or you become captain of the Permissive Parenting movement and your kids become the holy terror of the neighborhood.  (And admit it–right now you can think of at least one kid you know who fits that description…)  The goal then is to land somewhere in the middle at the corner of Responsible and Appropriate.

I tend to ask myself a couple of questions when faced with the decision of when to say no:

1.  Does saying no benefit BOTH my child and myself?

2.  Will me saying “no” set my child up for making better decisions down the road?

If the answer is yes to both of those, then a no is in order.  See, our kids DO want limits.  They may not know that now, but they want to know where the line is.  That gives them security and stability.  And more security and stability means that they will be more comfortable making their own decisions when appropriate, which leads to resilience, which is basically my personal soap box for what I think our children are lacking.  (But that’s another blog post…)

So tell me, how do YOU decide when a “no” is in order?  I’d love to hear stories from your own life of what worked and especially what didn’t.  Because, let’s face it, if we are smart we will probably learn more from our mistakes than anything else.  And lest you think that I’ve done it perfectly (your’e laughing at that suggestion, I know) believe me, I haven’t.  Just ask my children…

I don’t watch a lot of prime time TV.  Frankly, I don’t watch a lot of TV at all because apparently I have developed some sort of middle age ADD and have the attention span of a gnat, but every once in a while I have a hankering for a new series to watch. A show that I actually look forward to watching every week like X Files back in the 90’s or the whole L.O.S.T hoopla.  And since it’s that time of the new year when series are making their debut, my FB feed seems to be be full of trailers for the upcoming Prime Time.  Hooray, I thought as I naively clicked on a what looked like a promising series, “This Is Us.”

Well hold on to your hats people because apparently it is completely acceptable now to show NUDITY on regular television!! WHAT.THE.HECK????

Here I think I’m going to watch a Prime Time trailer about some sappy series that looks like it contains a whole lot of romance (my favorite) and some sappy crying (comes with the romance), because with a name like “This Is Us,” how can it not have all that?

Oh it has all that alright along with an opening shot of some dude’s bare backside!  On Prime Time!!  Does this bug anyone else?  This is regular old television that any of my kids can tune into (because I can’t just block one show) and bam, naked guy.  I don’t want to see a naked guy (except the one I’m married to, and then bring it), I don’t want my kids to see any old naked guy (or girl–who knows what else is in this Prime Time show?)  And why?  Why???

Is it that necessary to the plot to show naked dude’s rear end?  Like if I don’t see his bare tush, am I going to miss some important part of the storyline?  If my eyeballs don’t get up close and personal with his hiney, is there going to be some gaping plot hole?

Seriously.  I’m starting a campaign:  “Bring Back a Nudity Free Prime Time.”  Because jeesh.  Who’s in?

PS:  I’m not really starting a campaign because that would take time, effort and a longer attention span.  So this blog rant will have to suffice.

Recently a friend gave a great talk in church and she made this comment:  “As children we came second in my family.  And that’s the way it should be.”  I loved this statement because I think too many couples get it backwards.  It’s so easy to let your children come between you and your spouse and that’s dangerous territory.

I’ve written previously about the importance about dating your spouse so I won’t rehash that point (although I’m pretty adamant about it.)  Instead here are three different reasons your spouse needs to come before your children:

TO SHOW SOLIDARITY

Nothing undermines your influence as a parent more than having a spouse who doesn’t have your back. You know what I’m talking about, right?  One parent makes a decision and then the other one reverses it or even worse, disagrees with the decision in front of the kids.  Yikes.  One of my children recently said that they have never seen Dave or I fight.  Although it’s true that we have never yelled at or insulted one another, we don’t always see eye to eye.  But we work that out between us so that when we are faced with making family decisions, disciplining the kids or setting boundaries, we are in agreement.  Two people, one united purpose.  The exception–when the kids want to go out for ice cream they go to Dad. (And usually send their sister to do the asking.)

TO PROVIDE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT

Dave and I talk often about the need for emotional intimacy in your marriage.  Being able to connect emotionally is probably the biggest marker of a lasting and satisfying marriage.  Unfortunately, sometimes our relationships with our kids creep in and can affect our relationship with our spouse.  It’s wonderful to foster an emotionally intimate relationship with your children, but if you find that you are turning to your children more than your spouse to get your emotional needs met then it’s time to re-evaluate.

BECAUSE KIDS GROW UP AND LEAVE

Yep, for the majority of us, our children will grow up and leave the nest–and that’s exactly what you want.  And then it’s you and your spouse.  Together.  Forever.  You don’t want to send your final child off to school and turn to look at your spouse and wonder who they are.  Nope.  You want to be able to say, “Finally we have all the time in the world for just the two of us!”  (And then if you’re anything like us you’ll head straightway for Disneyland.)

The beauty of this is that it’s never too late to start making the changes you need to put your spouse first.  Schedule a date.  Send a flirty text.  Make time for each other.  And pretty soon your kids will be in 2nd place.  Right where they belong.

This morning (at the crack of dawn after two hours of sleep) we put our third son, McKay on the plane for his two year mission for our church.  It’s one of the most bittersweet experiences of being a parent I think.  You’re so grateful for the choices they are making, and yet so sad to see them leaving for two years.  He’s headed to the New Hampshire, Manchester mission and we are so excited.  New Hampshire doesn’t seem that far, and yet, for two years we will get just one email a week and just two phone calls a year.  In this day and age of constant technology, that’s pretty meager.  Done are the days of receiving texts asking if I’ll pick up milk, or if he can have money for gas.  I can’t just pick up the phone and call him at college or even go down and visit for the weekend.

Yep, it’s the worst.  But it’s also the best.

It’s the best because he’s doing good things–difficult things.  And he’s doing them because he WANTS to do them now, not just because Mom and Dad expect it.

We have several friends and family who are sending children off to college and missions and I’ve thought about what advice I would give, now that we’ve been through both three times.  For what it’s worth, this is what I’ve come up with:

THEY ARE IN A GOOD PLACE

Console yourself with the idea that they are in a good place, moving forward with their lives and becoming the adults you want them to be.  And even though you may be crying in your Diet Coke like me, chances are you’re extremely proud of the person they are becoming.

THEY WILL LIKE YOU MORE

It’s true!  I mean they love you and all that now, but there is nothing like moving away from home to get them to appreciate all you’ve done for them for the last two decades.  Seriously–all that laundry you did for them, meals you cooked, and family bonding experiences you made them endure are remembered much more fondly.  This may actually be my favorite part of them leaving…

YOUR NEW NORMAL CAN BE A FANTASTIC NORMAL

While I absolutely miss my kids when they leave home, I also really like it.  That sounds callous but I prefer to be a glass is half full type of gal.  I’m annoying that way.  When one leaves home it changes the dynamics–but I’ve found it to be really enjoyable.  The kids still at home get a chance to shine a little more, you get to eat out a whole lot more cause it gets way cheaper, and we now fit in a regular size car versus the Morgan Mobile.  Plus when Kennedy, our baby, leaves for college Dave and I are planning to head to Hawaii and lounge on a beach for three weeks where we will go to any restaurant we want (never once stopping at Wendy’s), watch whatever we want on the hotel TV and only have to  put sunscreen on each other.  I can’t wait.

You know what?  I’m feeling better already.  But first, a nap–that Diet Coke is wearing off…

Based on the readership and response I’ve received from my last post:” B- Parenting: When OK is Good Enough” we are stressed out!  Many of us are stuck in the perfectionism track and it’s slowly killing us.  Perfectionism is not simply the quest to do something really well.  Perfectionism involves setting unrelenting high expectations of ourselves and then experiencing feelings of inadequacy and even self loathing when we fail to meet those expectations.While at times that idea can serve us, too often it does not.

You Might Be a Perfectionist If…

In case you are not 100% sure that you suffer from perfectionism here are some examples:

*You have a hard time deciding what to wear every morning.
*You obsessively make lists
*You procrastinate assignments or responsibilities because you are afraid of doing them wrong.
*You are afraid to try new things.
*You cannot delegate or trust others with responsibilities because it won’t get done “right.”
*You feel a need for constant approval or feedback (earning awards and accolades is almost a necessity)
* You hoard items in case you “someday” need them.
*You post a million “selfies”.  (Ok, I don’t actually know if that’s perfectionism but it’s super annoying and at least attention seeking, right?  That can’t be healthy.)

And in more serious situations perfectionism can look like:

*Anxiety/panic attacks
*Eating disorders
*Self harm
*Depression

So if we know that perfectionism is harming us, what do we do about it?  I think it starts by giving ourselves permission to be imperfect.  It means saying “it’s ok that my house isn’t clean all the time” or “I am ok with the idea that my children aren’t always going to make the right decisions.”  I have a wise husband who talks about “unacceptable verses undesirable outcomes.”  I love this concept!  When we finally realize that there are very few outcomes in life that are “unacceptable” that frees us!  It means understanding that while I might not like or desire my child to do poorly in school, it isn’t unacceptable.  I mean, really, I don’t have a whole lot of control over whether or not my son fails math.  It will have it’s own natural consequences so after I’ve done my due diligence I need to let it go.  (And believe me that has been a lesson LONG in the making for me.)  The world is not going to stop turning if my child fails a class!  Life will go on, and will probably even go on pretty happily.

I’m going to tell you something shocking:  you’re not perfect.  You’re not going to do everything perfectly and chances are if you DID do everything perfect, if you’re a perfectionist you’re going to think that it wasn’t perfect anyway!  I mean, it’s exhausting just typing that!  So why not quit that game before you even start?  Does that mean doing a lackluster job–no.  Does it mean that we’re destined for a life of mediocrity?  Of course not.  What it does mean is that we give ourselves permission to try–and then fail.  It means that we recognize the growth that comes from trying, not being perfect at it.  A lack of perfection just means opportunity for change.  It means being kind to ourselves when things don’t turn out exactly like we planned.

So in the great words of Idina Menzel, “Let it Go.”  (And you’re welcome for getting that song stuck in your head all day.)  Let go of the idea that you aren’t enough.  Because you are.

*This is a great resource on understanding and treating perfectionism:  Perfectionism in Perspective

Recently at a family gathering we coined a new phrase, “B- Parenting.”  It’s the concept that what we are doing as a parent might not be entirely perfect but it’s good enough.  Above average in fact if you consider a C grade as average.  Here’s some examples of B- Parenting:

*Brushing off a dropped pacifier and sticking it back in your baby’s mouth.
*Plopping your toddler down in front of the Disney channel for three hours because you’re at the end of your rope
*Letting your teen sleep till noon every day in the summer because at least they’re home, right?
*Allowing your five year old to wear jeans underneath her princess costume which is covered with her winter coat and a tutu because, well, you just want to make it out of the house without a fight.
*The Wendy’s drive thru for dinner.  Twice this week.
*Cold cereal the other five nights…
*The living room is clean just in case someone stops by, but the kitchen looks like a bomb went off and for heavens sake, don’t go upstairs!
*Admitting to your child’s teacher that there is no way you can commit to your child doing their kindergarten homework this year because it’s kid number 5, you’ve got a newborn at home and how important is it to learn to color inside the lines anyway?
*Letting every kid be on a device for a 12 hour road trip because this is the longest stretch of silence you’ve experienced in the last year and you’ll take what you can get.

All of those are examples from my own life.

We could spend a whole lot of time worrying about all the “shoulds” in our life:  I should be cooking nutritious meals every night, I should be reading to my children from great works of literature, I should be able to keep a clean house, I should be more patient, more fun, more like so and so down the street.  Right now I could list off about 15 things that I should be doing at this point in my life, but what if what I’m doing is enough?  What if it’s ok that cooking is a challenge for me, my kids dig their socks out of a sock basket (or the dirty clothes on a really bad day) and some of my kids dislike reading?  Isn’t it more important that we like being together, they are good examples to their friends and they see that Dave and I trust them to keep the house from falling apart while we go away for the weekend?

Here’s the thing–as a parent you have to figure out what is REALLY important.  And that answer can be different for each of us–for each of our children even.  It’s easy to look at someone else and thing “what in the heck are they doing?” Or even worse, to think “I should be a better parent like so and so.” But it’s not really our place to judge–parenting our own children is plenty of work.  Because here’s a secret:  most of us, probably even all of us, are B-parents.  And the good news is, that’s above average:)