Kristyn Morgan

Dave and I are approaching our 25th wedding anniversary!  25 years!!  It seems like such a short time ago we were living in Provo in our tiny run down basement apartment.  This last week we had the privilege of spending time with our entire family, including our son and daughter in law who were married just last month.  (And who were probably completely mortified that they had to share a hotel room with their parents, but handled it with grace.) As I watched them and reflected on the last 25 years of my own marriage I came up with five steps to a healthy marriage:


1.  SPEAK KINDLY

You would think this would go without saying but I can’t tell you how many couples we have been around that seem to have missed this memo.  Yelling, arguing, belittling, and sarcasm have no place in a marriage.  I try to always remember this: ” If I was being talked to the way I am talking to my spouse at this moment, how would I feel? ”  If the answer is discouraged, angry, belittled or demeaned, then I know I need to change how I’m speaking.  I’m telling you–this one strategy can be a game changer.

2.  DATE WEEKLY

I did a previous blog post on this concept and you can read it here:  http://morganhouseofmystery.blogspot.com/2015/08/the-1-thing-that-will-make-you-better.html

The bottom line is that a weekly date means you value your relationship with your spouse and that they are a priority.  It doesn’t have to be a big production–most of our dates involve dinner and shopping at Target–but it should happen every week.  And I can already hear the excuses:  “We don’t have money, we don’t have a sitter, our lives are too busy, I don’t want to be away from the baby/children/dog”…I don’t care.  You need to date every week.  The end.

3.  GET AWAY FOR A WEEKEND AT LEAST TWICE A YEAR

Yeah, yeah, yeah–you are coming up with more excuses at this moment.  Again, I don’t care.  If your marriage is a priority you will figure out a way to make it happen.  Money is an issue?  Forego other luxuries and save for the next 6 months.  No sitters?  Surely you have some friends somewhere??  If not, you better start making some quick!  If the friends can’t watch the kids, they probably know a good reliable older teenager or young adult that can handle your kids for a night or two.  I’ll be honest, this was a step that we didn’t figure out until about 10 years into our marriage but when we did, we never looked back.  All those benefits that come from a weekly date are compounded when you have a weekend get away.  It’s a time to recharge, reconnect and build intimacy which brings me to step 4:

4.  PHYSICAL INTIMACY

I’m just going to say it–sex is pretty dang important in marriage.  I’ve heard of people that outside of creating children don’t have sex.  I’m going to be blunt–I think that’s wrong.  And also probably leads to some really frustrated individuals.  (Or a heck of a lot of children…) Being physically intimate shows you love your spouse and you want to be close to them.  It means you understand that you each have physical needs and you work together to figure out the best way to meet those needs.  Again–I can hear the excuses:  “I don’t feel attractive, we are too busy, the kids are at home.” If you don’t feel attractive, figure out something that will make you feel sexy.  If you’re too busy, schedule it.   If the kids are home, lock the bedroom door.  (We take a lot of “naps” in our house.) I’m perfectly comfortable telling you that we actually schedule our sex life (with room for spontaneity).  Navigating the waters of your physical relationship brings you closer together, which leads to the final step:

5.  EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

I could go on and on about this final step.  (Even more than I could go on about step #4).  Emotional intimacy means being able to share your thoughts, dreams, concerns, and basically everything with your spouse.  It means making yourself vulnerable and taking emotional risks.  It means practicing whole hearted listening and it means practicing that on a daily basis.  Have you seen couples that basically live in the same house but have no real relationship?  That’s because they haven’t developed emotional intimacy.  I can honestly say that Dave is my best friend and biggest confidant.  This didn’t happen overnight, but over time because we have made it a priority.  If your child/mother/sister/friend is ranked as your #1 personal confident, you have work to do on being emotionally intimate with your spouse.  Start today–you’ll thank me later.

I firmly believe that our relationship with our spouse is the single most important relationship we can have on this earth.  The question to ask yourself is “are the things I’m doing now in my marriage reflecting that?”  If not, it’s not too late.  Start now!

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Does fear ever hold you back from what you really want to do?

Dave and I are getting old.  Ok not old, but definitely old-er. (Like some things are sagging that weren’t a few years ago old, but we’re not so old that we’ve started eating dinner at 3:30 pm).  Five years from now our youngest will be out of the house and when I think about five years ago it seems like yesterday.  So these next few years are going to fly by and then what?  What do I really want to do with my life–with “our” life.  Like if money were no object and we could just chase our dreams, what would that be?  And when I think of it that way, it’s easy–write and speak at events with Dave.

We’ve been lucky to have been asked to speak together a few times recently and we loved it.  We are no experts, well Dave is an expert, but I’m not. (Unless you count unearthing teenager’s lies or finding really good deals on used furniture as being an “expert).  But I keep thinking we have something to contribute–that there is a higher purpose out there for the use of our talents.

So I think we’re doing it.  Dave is in the process of publishing a book.  We have our blogs which before too long will probably be condensed into one blog that features both of us.  I think a podcast is in our near future.  (Ya hear that Richie??) Maybe nobody will listen, hopefully some will.  But if we don’t start, we’ll never know.

Here’s to a scary, vulnerable, “Dave and Kristyn Adventure”.  We hope you tune in, but even if you don’t, at least we tried.

QUESTION:  What topics would you like to see covered on a “Morgan Life Advice” podcast or blog post?

Well it’s that time of the year when all the parents start posting all the GREAT things their graduating kids are doing.  End of the year concerts complete with solos, graduating at the top of the class, college scholarships, manning a flight to the moon.  (Ok maybe not that one.)  I’m guilty of it too.  Totally and completely guilty.  I’m not knocking all those great achievements ( I mean props to them for all their hard work) but lately I’ve been thinking about the “other” kids.

What about the the straight C student who has a learning disability but shows up on time for class every day?  What about the girl who sits in the back of the classroom and quietly does her work but the teacher (or the kids for that matter) don’t hardly know her name?  What about the third chair trumpet player who is never going to be awarded “outstanding musician” their senior year but who practices all the same and shows up early to set up for their concert where they will never get a solo?  What about the boy who will always be in the chorus, but never the star of the school musical or the teen who isn’t able to do any extra curriculars because they have to babysit their younger siblings?

What about all the kids that because of lack of money or parent involvement or both will never be the “star” because they can’t afford private lessons or tutors or “select” sports teams?

What about them?

To them I say–you’re the real stars.  Because you are learning that life isn’t about how many awards you can rack up.  It’s not about what others think of you or what people say about you.  It’s not about the type of home you live in, the pile of graduation cords you’ll wear, the stars next to your name on the program of whatever concert/play/recital you are currently in.

Sure, those things are nice.  Very nice in fact.  But I’ll let you in on a little secret.  Those things go away eventually.  I can’t remember the last time someone wanted to know if I was a cheerleader in high school.  Or asked me my GPA or my ACT scores.  My husband was the lead in his high school’s production of “The Wiz” but I haven’t seen him signing any autographs lately.  I’m pretty sure when I was neck deep in the “joys” of stay at home motherhood and changing my umpteenth diaper my two year old was not impressed that I was crowned Freshman Homecoming Princess.  Nope.  He just asked to watch Barney and threw up on me.

So to all you average, run of the mill, mediocre graduates I say, “Congrats.”  You have weathered the high school storm and you are going to do just fine.  Just fine.

A few months ago I stumbled upon the deal of a lifetime.  Dave and I had pulled up to the local Goodwill to drop some things off and sitting at the curb was this big beautiful sectional.

MOTHERHOOD 101:  THREE STRATEGIES FOR TEACHING OUR CHILDREN TO BE RESILIENT

How do we raise resilient children?  How do we teach them how to deal with anxiety and stress in an anxious and stressful world?  As I’ve pondered my own experiences I’ve come up with three strategies that I believe builds resilience.

1.  LET THEM FAIL:  I know, it goes agains every fiber of our mothering beings to allow our kids to blow it.  I think for a better part of my parenting years I’ve walked behind my children with an imaginary wheelbarrow trying to prevent the falls.  But it’s in the failure that resilience is made.  I read once that we should actually give our kids tasks that we know they won’t be able to accomplish the first time.  Madness, I thought!  But then I realized the value.  It’s when our children learn to pick themselves up and that not succeeding at something is ok that they develop the ability to handle difficult things.

2.  ALLOW FOR MEDIOCRITY:  I think there is an epidemic of parents who think their children should be the best at everything.  Straight A’s, class president, lead in the play, star soccer player, favorite of every teacher, friend to all.  Here’s the thing–that’s not going not happen.  And if it is happening, chances are that’s not such a healthy thing.  When our children feel that they have to perform at the top level in everything they undertake, or need constant praise or awards we are setting them up for a really hard fall down the road.  Because I hate to break it to you but your children aren’t the smartest, or the prettiest, or the most talented in all the land.  Neither are mine.  And that’s ok.

3.  ACCEPT THEY WILL MAKE MISTAKES:  I used to believe that if I just taught my children correct principles and told them how to do everything then I could save them from a lot of grief and pain.  (Naive, I now realize.) Here’s the thing–our kids need to make mistakes and more importantly, they need to know that we understand that.  We were not meant to be on this earth to do things perfectly.  In fact, I think it’s the opposite.  We were put here to figure out how to pick ourselves up when we fall and make ourselves better.  If we are the type of parents that so closely monitors everything our child does so that they WON’T fail we are in fact, failing as a parent.  I make mistakes, you make mistakes, and our kids need to know that they will make mistakes, and that we are ok with that.

As a parent I want my children to succeed and be happy.  I used to think that meant having them do everything “right” but I’ve come to believe that’s not the case.  The growth comes from accepting that we won’t do everything perfectly but that we aren’t meant to.  It’s in the failures and mistakes that resilience is born.

Dear Adult Children of Mine,

As your Dad and I dropped you off at the airport the other morning to return to college, I had a slight moment of panic.  What if I haven’t taught you everything you need to know?  What if I have failed as a mother because you can only make quesadillas and you still don’t separate your whites from your darks?  What if all my words of wisdom are crowded out in your minds due to quotes from “The Simpsons” or internet memes?  I fear I may have missed my chance so with that in mind, here’s what I would like you to know as you venture into the world:

Speak Kind Words. 

 To each other, to those around you, and most importantly to yourself.  Words are powerful and can be used to lift and serve or cut and demean.  Always ask yourself:  “Would I like to be talked to the way I am talking now” and you can’t go wrong.

Serve Others

Much more joy comes from thinking outside of ourself.  There is always someone you can sit next do, say hello to or help.  Always.  We are literally “God’s hands” on this earth, so get to work.

Eat Fruits and Vegetables

I’m begging you. One can only eat so many quesadillas or bowls of ramen and think coherently.  An apple, a carrot.  Something.

Don’t Let Fear Sabotage You

Too many people let fear (of failure, discomfort, the unknown, spiders…) keep them from being the person they want to be and God wants them to be.  I’ve seen too often when people miss out on amazing opportunities and growth because they are afraid.  Embrace your fear and then do what you are afraid of.  Along with that:

Try New Things

We are not meant to be “comfortable”.  Growth comes from stepping outside our comfort zones and stretching.  Meet new people, join a club or team, try a new class, ask a girl on a date.  I know it’s scary–particularly the girl thing.  Do it anyway.

If You Don’t Like Something Change It

You are smart, talented, witty, good looking, spiritual people (thanks to your good genes).  If you don’t like the direction you are headed, do something about it.  If you don’t like something about yourself or your situation, change it. We are meant to improve–not be stagnant.  There is great power in changing habits, thoughts or actions that we don’t like.

I’m Proud Of You

I know I’m not supposed to be proud, but I am.  Who would have thought that little boys who played “Fun Town” and memorized Sponge Bob quotes would grow up to be so amazing?  I did.  I may have worried along the way and nagged, cajoled and cried, but deep down, I knew.  

I love you,

Mom

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Recently I joined a Facebook group called “The Best Month Ever” based on the principles in the book “The Miracle Morning” By Hal Elrod
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00AKKS278?keywords=miracle%20morning&qid=1448393293&ref_=sr_1_1&s=digital-text&sr=1-1

I won’t go into a lot of detail but basically the premise was to have “The Best Month Ever” using the strategies Hal taught.  (I guess it doesn’t take a genius to deduce that…)  Step one was to set a goal for the month and then begin posting in the FB group about how your goal and “Miracle Mornings” were going.  I was more of a silent observer in the group and it was fun to read along as people set some pretty lofty goals:  lose 15 pounds, start a business, write a book, etc.  My goals were a bit smaller and honestly, I struggled with coming up with my “Best Month Ever” goal.  But here’s what I realized:

I like my life.  I like being a mom.  I like the mundane (except cooking–never cooking).  I like waking up in the morning and planning what I’m going to organize, what errands I’ll run, who I will talk to, how I will serve.  I find joy in my 15 minutes of scripture study and my half hour of morning yoga.  I like making a cup of hot chocolate for my daughter and handing it to her as she walks out the door.  I like morning prayers and a kiss with my husband and the sound of my boys coming home from school.  I like calls from my college sons, emails from my missionary and lunch with my mom. I like good talks with friends, the chance to serve with good people and worshiping every Sabbath.

Sure–there are hard times and worry and stress.  There are stages in life I’m not anxious to repeat and I spend my fair share of sleepless nights trying to solve the world’s (or the marching band’s) problems.  Someday I would like to be a speaker and writer and serve a mission with my husband and travel the world.  Someday.

The last four weeks allowed me to recognize all those things.  To be grateful for my simple, some may say, boring life.  To appreciate the blessings I have and the people I associate with.  I may not have had the loftiest goals but I can honestly say, I did have The Best Month Ever.

I’ve had a few conversations in the last couple of weeks surrounding the topic of drama.  Specifically, adults who create/live by/encourage drama in their lives and the lives of their families.  Honestly, I don’t get it.  I hail from the “why would you rock the boat anymore than it’s currently rocking” camp. I mean, life has enough of it’s own natural drama–why add to it you know?

 I  believe that often, those that live with a lot of drama don’t recognize it for what it’s worth.  They are so used to that state of constant uproar that it’s hard to take a step back and see it for what it is.

SIGNS THAT YOU MIGHT BE SWIMMING IN DRAMA:

1.  There’s a lot of yelling at your house.  Some kid or teenage yelling is a little normal.  If it’s happening on a daily basis and if it involves you as a parent yelling back, that’s drama.

2.  Crying and whining are abundant, particularly if you as the parent are participating.  If you’re swimming in tears, that’s drama.

3.  The yelling/whining/crying is followed up with equally emotional declarations of love or apology. Love and forgiveness are a good thing–that wide swing between emotions?  Drama.

4.  You use a lot of superlative phrases.  Things like “This is the WORST month ever!”  or “I”m NEVER going to trust you again.”  It goes the other way too:  “This is the BEST year of my life.”  Superlatives=drama.

5.  You are easily offended and so are your children.  So.much.drama.

So why is drama bad?  We certainly don’t want to live in an emotional neutral zone all the time, right?  Of course not.  Some days will be bad and some will be great.  That’s the natural course of life.  But often, because we don’t know how to control or handle our emotions they get the better of us and take over to the detriment of our relationships.

Kids need stability to feel secure and build self esteem.  Self esteem comes from a sense of well being.  Well being comes from feeling emotionally secure.  Drama is the opposite of that.  It puts our children in a constant state of unbalance.  You know that feeling of walking a balance beam?  Who wants to live emotionally like that?  It’s unnerving.

Now, I’m not saying do everything at all costs to keep things on an even keel.  Part of learning to be resilient is to deal with uncertainties and difficult moments.  But like I said in the beginning, life will naturally present itself with those things–we don’t need to add to them.  So here are some tips for avoiding drama in your lives and your children’s lives:

HOW TO AVOID THE DRAMA:

1.  Remember you are the adult!  Kids have enough drama, they don’t need you stirring up more.  Listen to their school or friend issues but don’t get in the middle of it.  Let them sort it out.  Nod, sympathize but don’t fan the flames.

2.  Make your home neutral.  When kids walk in the door they need to feel emotionally safe.  Smile, give them space if they are cranky, and tell them you love them.

3.  Set boundaries.  When kids know what to expect and you hold them accountable, that increases their sense of security.  Remember, security=better self worth.

4.  Stop yelling.  I’m serious.  I cannot come up with one good reason to yell–unless life or limb is in peril.

5.  Stop being offended.  I really believe we choose to be offended.  I also believe that very few people are out to offend anyone else.  If they do offend, it’s usually unintentional.  If for some reason it IS intentional, that’s their problem.  Like Idina Menzel says, “Let It Go!”

As parents, let’s be the adults in our homes and social circles.  Our children will watch how we handle our emotions and pattern their own after us.  What kind of example are you setting?  I know I can be better, can you?